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Saturday, November 07, 2009

im in new york

sitting on my bed which has its frame fixed the wrong way around

with one of my angmoh roommates sitting on her bed a few feet away from me

i feel so weird writing this

i havent kept a blog in a gazillion years since my first and only blog died on 28 september 2006

and im not a diary keeper

so this is going to be the most incoherent, lame shit ever but i'll try

only because i would want to have the same sense of fulfillment i got when i just spent close to an hour reading my entries from 3 years ago.

okay so about 3 years have passed since i last lamely accounted my everyday life activities here.

so whats new

erm i did considerably well for o levels, went to hwachong jc, did horrendously badly there, managed to pull through from last minute studying (whats new), somehow managed to convinced a company that im worthy of a scholarship, signed a contract and am now studying in new york.

general summary of the past 3 years of my life

my motivations for coming all the way here have never been clear. but i guess i would like to accomplish a few things

one. i hope to find myself. i really do i dont know how to appropriately phrase this. but im a really insecure and self-conscious person.

i have trouble being myself no matter where i am. to be totally frank, i think the last time i was really truly myself was probably when i was 14, in sec2. around the time i started this blog.

so yes, i wanna find myself.

second. to get rid of all the petty things in life and be able to see the big picture and live for larger motives.

by that i dont mean trying to achieve big goals or ambitions.

its just like getting rid of little foolish things like thinking about how others see me, how i am so not the person i would like to be, how i've not been able to do things like maintaining friendships, how i think no one cares sometimes. okay from this you can totally see what a failure i am. but yeah.

i wish not to think so much about all these and just let these things come naturally. i spend too much time thinking how much i fail at all this that i leave no time to actually be who i am and motivate myself to just do what i want to do.

okay something like that there are more but i have no idea how to phrase them.

my mind is still kind of jumbled up.

means that i still dont know what my true motivations are.

but i am sure of those two.

after reading my blog posts from my sec sch days

i realized i've changed quite a bit

i've changed for the worst.

i've become less motivated, less real, less brave,

more inhibited, more afraid (mainly of people), more conscious, more insecure

i really wish i could somehow turn back time and revisit the person i was in secondary school.

i enjoyed having people around me. i thoroughly enjoyed what i was doing. i felt a sense of fulfilment, passion in whatever i chose to do. even if it killed me and my sleeping hours.

i was highly motivated and excited about life in general.

now, im in new york

which sounds like a truly exciting experience.

but inside, my mind is filled with such negative thoughts its unbelievable.

i dont want to be like this but its just happening.

before i came here, i thought to myself that the angmohs will dislike me and look down upon me

thus, why should i even try to build bonds with them and form friendships, if they dont even like me in the first place.

so i just stuck with the people im comfortable with. even though i hardly knew them.

its embarrassing but true.

now im beginning to realize that people dont judge an individual by his or her race, background, ethnicity or religion. yes, people may generalize.

but when it boils down to the individual, what matters is only who you are and nothing else.

thats all everyone truly cares about.

you could be the most looked down upon race on earth but to have the best personality would overshadow all generalizations by miles.

if you start out thinking that the people around you would not like you, without even trying to open up to them

nothing will happen because everything starts from you

this took me about 2 months to realise.

it seems like such a simple thing to understand but to really feel for it and do it when you're faced with the reality of the situation is a completely different story.

relationships with my angmoh tongfangs are improving and i'm working hard to keep it that way

this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and im not gonna bomb it because of me and my insecurities and stupidity.

JIAYOU!

okay the reason im suddenly so emo and cheesy and i dont know what else is cause i fell sick and spent the entire day almost alone in my dorm room

doing almost nothing

thus the sudden motivation to type this.

i take comfort in the knowledge that no one would read this cause most people know and think that this blog is dead

im off to sleep and to be a better person tmrw (cheesy to the max) but yeah i must do this

its the only way i can feel alive again :)

screamed by ME-@11/07/2009 10:34:00 AM

Thursday, September 28, 2006

i officially declare that this is the ugliest blog in the world wide web
and anyway, prelims are over
somehow i dont feel anything
because i think the amount of effort put in was really not enough
i dont want friday to come
its like one of the most impt exams in my sec life but im the least prepared
something's wrong with me
anyway, today we had this reflection session again
and we went to thank our teachers in front of the whole cohort at the end
totally embarrassed myself
i spoke broken english to my ENGLISH teacher
ahhhhhh! this shows how fluent i am.
im never gonna have anything to do with public speaking in the future
im never gonna speak to a group of more than 10 ppl at once
phobia. haha
after school, went to j8
ate PM. chilling out place. HAHA
then me and bong were aimless wanderers for a while before we decided to be healthy and go to the park near her house to play badminton
haha. felt so kampongish
like barefooted on the grass and swinging on the swings and sitting on the grass
and we met stacy! french classmate! its a small world after all.
three st. nicks girls then played badminton together among all the tiny kids.
went back to her house and i had the greatest challenge to supress my uncontrollable laughter
haha shant say what it is la. embarrass ppl only
okay im mad. i should be sleeping but im not
shall go count sheep now.
wan an!

screamed by ME-@9/28/2006 12:18:00 AM

Monday, August 28, 2006

our school is becoming more happening
and the teachers are getting funnier
really or maybe im just generalising
but after talking to jenny today about whats gonna happen in school next year
im very very jealous
we are leaving and the school is becoming more happening
just look at this year's national day and teachers day.
i predict and have this gut feeling that teachers day is gonna be good too
gosh
anyway, im entering a totally no-life period of my life
i need to add a rainbow
i have such a boring and mundane life
my hobby is studying, or rather thinking about studying
i dont usually get past the "i think i should start studying" stage
anyhows, luckily some ppl make my life oh-not-so-boring

that day in lix's car in the morning
we were talking (mumbling) about spore idol
her eyes were like half closed and she went:
"i think this week hanathan(she meant hady AND jonathan) will get out"
-pause-
"eh... what am i talking about hah"
we were half asleep by the way

and another day in class, we were trying to be good girls and study for chem mock
then suddenly michelle lim went:
"terylene is fat"
we all stared at her
so she repeated "TERYLENE is fat!"
HAHAHAHA okay inside joke whatever.

at burger king, i was ordering food
me: "can i have the hersheys sundae pie"
burger kind guy: "okay. do you want chilli or ketchup?"
me: "huh?!"
guy: "err.. nevermind"
then he started smiling to himself and looking very embarrassed
i think he's like so trained to say that, he says it no matter what ppl order
and poor me had to resist my laughter

and the fuzzy wuzzy stuff, the "im bong but im not shinq" stuff, the test-your-reflex game
oh man that game is seriously damn difficult to play
luo yiwei makes it look so easy but its totally not
there are two ppl and two objects, person A and B, object A and B
person A holds object A and person B holds object B
person A is the one being challenged
person A throws object A into the air
person B throws object B towards person A
person A catches object B
throws it back to person B
and catches object A which would have fallen back to earth by now
okay err, i know this whole chunk is un-understandable
haha okay im just killing time before i start my favourite hobby again
thinking about studying
and thats what im going to do now after rambling about rubbish
alright good luck to all muggers

screamed by ME-@8/28/2006 05:27:00 PM

Friday, July 21, 2006

long time no blog
just went farewell shopping
managed to buy most of the stuff
but i havent written a single letter or prepared any present for the fellow grey badgers!
and im a super lousy present-preparer for one thing
anyhows, i really dont know what to expect for farewell.
it seems as if four years has just flown by and i dont realize how long i have been part of the cca until now.
and its just gonna end like that.
farewell for 2 hours?
then thats it. i wont step into the mep room again for cca.
that feels weird. very weird.
i have to confess and say im not in love with string.
but its something that has become part of secondary school life?
and i would feel weird without it.
and the grey badgers.
i really dont know what to make of the whole thing
never mind, just see what happens on tuesday.
going to watch mep concert tomm.
can hear miss fart koh play huang he.
oh man super nice. AHHHH!!!
but that means i have to give up the chance to watch my sister's choir performance.
which i totally forgot about and which my parents have already bought tickets for.
argh.
and its 30 days to prelim right?
YES. IM OFFICIALLY DEAD.
like REALLY DEAD.
aha! never mind im a speedy gonzales.
im gonna make it!
thanks hilary and annonymous. whoever you are.
and anyway, the NE quiz is the most no-intelligence game invented for students.
the game goes: you answer questions, get points, buy property.
then the screen will go: under your good leadership, singapore has progressed to the next era! congrats!
wah. its like teaching all the primary school students that mr lee kuan yew's job is super easy and everyone can do it. no problem.
very national education la.
yah and now, i have to go get my beauty sleep after beign deprived of sleep for the whole week.
bye!

screamed by ME-@7/21/2006 10:57:00 PM

Friday, June 23, 2006

SLC was great!
i would definitely miss organzing these sort of events with the exco.
we are no doubt a very screwed exco
always doing some last minute work
will never forget how pmb camp was practically planned in one day.
but we always manage to put up a good performance somehow.
yea we rock!
i would never forget camping over at the computer lab, the weirdest place to camp over.
and running a marathon through a 90% dark school just to find a stupid cd that had legs and decided to run away.
me, andrea and cherie just kept running non stop in the dark and i could hardly see anything.
if one day you let me see that finale cd i would grab it and throw it straight into the fire.
oh but im proud of the banner
haha it was really annoying.
would never forget how me and andrea had to stay up till the wee hours to do it.
have you ever tried working on a file in a computer, that every click you make takes 15 mins to react.
wahpiang but we did it in the end HAHA.
and now when i listen to 'that thing you do' i would start smiling to myself like an idiot
really, i dont know i just cant help it.
and i have this irresistable urge to start dancing.
hahaha i love the dance man, more than any invest dance.
and i love the participants like hell!
they really rock without them we wont even have slc.
i realized that the other IJ girls are really outstanding man.
i wouldnt want to work in the same office as one next time
she'll shine like crazy and i would appear like a spot of dust beside her
will never forget the girl that came up to hug me and thanked us.
i wanna find her now and thank her 100 times
anyhow, slc was a success and we did it!
aha! but its sad that it is our last event together.
dont know why just cried like nobody's business during the finale
i had absolutely no intention to cry then.
haha must be influenced by the nostalgic air around me then
from teacher's day to invest.
yes invest! when we all didnt eat lunch and dinner for one week.
and sat in the void deck to picnic.
to pmb camp and slc.
so after one year of hard work, our job is finally done
cannot really say i did my job really well but i did enjoy it
so now its back to school
i seriously DREAD it.
oh man like who doesnt.
i pledge to be VERY NEAT in the next term.
and complete all my homework on time.
ya right. haha but i really will!
umm... try?
michelle lim must have really suffered sitting next to me
my things are like everywhere and overflowing to her table and the floor
heh im so sorry.
im not born to be a neat freak.
but anyway i'll try to be neat and hardworking.
yes yes.
the impt word here is TRY.
that said im going to like start work right now!
so yeah, so long! farewell!

screamed by ME-@6/23/2006 01:20:00 AM

Friday, June 02, 2006

FIRST OF JUNE 2006

Jean and I slogged our hearts out in the family lounge with the nice accompaniment of melodious drilling sounds and zao-sia piano tunes.
WOW. loves it.
Furthermore we struck lottery and have 30 cents to share among BOTH OF US.
The lack of aircon will make thing so much easier and we can probably finish by ten p.m.
12 hours with jean!
OMG. The best day of my life! (:
THANK YOU MRS T*** for giving me this chance to make myself a stronger and better person.
I love you!

-excerpt from what neo shu jean wrote on the last page of my student diary

screamed by ME-@6/02/2006 11:57:00 PM

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

i am here because i slacked during the day and im having troubles completing homework!
shitty. i must keep thinking that i am a SEC FOUR.
therefore studies should be placed above everything else.
yes the rest will be secondary.
you know what?
i think im changing. to becoming more heck care about everything
freak. this cannot happen to me.
please change me back.
yes and anyway today was quite funny considering i spent the whole day at home.
in the morning i called miss neo shu jean to announce that i lost my lit worksheet and wanted her to read the questions out to me
this was her reply (mumbling), 'i very tired...... ummm..... i fax you later'
-toot-toot-toot she put down the phone.
wahpiang! hahaha.
then later at three plus i went to check the fax machine
half expecting to receive a lit worksheet.
instead i received this handwritten piece of paper that had this big heading right at the top: I LOST THE QUESTION PAPER TOO
then below it miss neo wrote out all the questions manually.
and at the bottom: WOW. can die.
and finally: princess rocks
hahahahaha i really wanted to laugh out loud!
thank you miss neo.
so to play my part for the lit group, im now awake trying to do my essay.
since i havent really contributed much to the lit group haha.
and i had this very funny msn convo with two very bitchy ppl
oh man damn funny.
i didnt know heather ever set up a unicornbestfriendsforeverandever club
hahaha laughed my head off.
other then that, i slacked my whole day through.
wasting my precious life away.
oh! but yesterday was nice.
went escape to celebrate joo's birthday!
ooh hoo. we had to blindfold her for TWO HOURS.
it was damn hilarious.
she kept sticking out her hands cause she was afraid she would bump into a wall or something
but the problem was that we were in a crowded mrt station.
and she would most likely molest ppl unintentionally rather than bump into a wall.
had to keep telling her to not stick out her hands.
haha and ppl kept staring and laughing at us.
two days in a row i malu myself in an mrt.
previous day had this trial run for some amazing food race and we had to sing happy birthday in an mrt full of ppl and get at least 15 of them to stare at us.
can die. haha.
anyway the stupid rain spoiled the first part of our escape outing
we went to the haunted house cause it was the only one that was open.
i dont know why i was so scared
i was REALLY REALLY scared. so scared that halfway through i bit miss bong tingli on her arm
oops sorry bong. i really like BITE her.
omg so embarrassing.
but anyway the rain finally stopped and we went to sit the rides.
the rides were okay. the hongkong ocean park ones are way scarier!
especially the free fall one
i kept laughing during one of the rides
some walls-revolution thing.
they spinned us round and round and i felt like i was falling.
then flo kept screaming, 'SHINQ! WHY ARE WE SPINNING SO MUCH!'
wah like how would i know. haha then she kept screaming and i kept laughing.
hahaha.
then later at this not-scary-at-all ride.
skippy screamed her head off!
as in like she really screamed like mad when the rest of the world were enjoying the beautiful scenery around us quietly.
she was the only one screaming her head off.
then like everyone was staring at her.
and once again i went into laughing fits.
cause the everyone was like 'woohoo! the scenery damn nice' and she was like 'AHHHHHH!!!!!! (pauses to breathe) AHHHHHH!!!!!! (pause) AHHHHHHHH!!!!'
oh man the whole day was enjoyable la.
okay now!
i have to go complete my lit essay and contribute to the group for once.

screamed by ME-@5/30/2006 12:32:00 AM